Chameleon Circuit
by Rezeren
Summary: The Doctor freezes and turns slowly, fixing England with an icy look. 'This is not over.' / England gives a mocking smirk. 'Quite right, Doctor. This is just beginning.' In which a nation and a Time Lord find themselves in a prank war, while Clara and the other nations don't know whether to be amused or irritated.
1. Of Circuits and Soufflés

**Hi.**

 **I'm Ren. If you don't read _The Year That Never Was_ , you probably don't know me. The people who read that story will tell you that I am _evil._**

 **They are right.**

 **But not on this occasion, however! This is comedy (I hope, anyway). This is to cheer myself and any _The Year That Never Was_ readers who may have stumbled onto this story up. This isn't set in the same universe, and the stories aren't connected in any way. This one is set during series 8, and the other nations are vaguely aware of England's funny little friendship with the Doctor.**

 **Hope you enjoy this one. No upset tears here, just fun!**

 **Allons-y!**

* * *

 **One**

 **Of Circuits and Soufflés**

Sometimes, just sometimes, the mature nations of the world dream of a normal World Meeting.

Actually, that sentence should be amended: sometimes they dream of a productive, different World Meeting. A meeting like that can hardly be classed as ordinary, because the norm for these nations is to mess around as much as possible. That's all the countries have ever known.

This particular meeting is in London, the sunny weather surprising pretty much everyone. England rolls his eyes whenever someone asks him why it isn't raining. This has happened forty-seven times already, three of those times by the inquisitive northern Italian who seems to have both the memory and attention span of a goldfish. England's actually keeping a list because there really is no other material to record in this pointless meeting.

 _Number of times someone has made an unnecessary_ _observation regarding the weather: 47._

 _Number of burgers that the bloody git sitting next to me has managed to consume: 15._

 _Time taken to do so: 7 minutes and 46 seconds (how is that even possible?!)_

 _Number of times the frog has tried to grope someone: 8 (less than usual... perhaps he's behaving himself today... well, one can dream)._

 _Amount of time spent actually doing something productive in this meeting and the reason for it: 5 minutes (Germany's opening speech. He gave up pretty quickly afterwards when Prussia burst into the room with those fireworks)._

 _People who actually paid attention during that brief moment of concentration and sanity: myself, Japan, China and Switzerland._

 _All in all, a fairly average meeting, then._

England sighs. What is he expecting, anyway? Nothing eventful is going to happen... unless you count Prussia smuggling the fireworks into a meeting he's not even supposed to attend...

'ENGLAND!'

Okay, that's new.

All the nations who were messing around, plus the ones who were quietly waiting for something to end this ridiculous real life comedy sketch (every single country on the planet falls into those two categories) freeze, staring at the closed door to the meeting room where they're sure the voice came from. They then all glance at England in confusion.

The small island nation glances at the door himself, portraying an unamused, bored expression, though he is feeling pretty smug inside. But a little bit annoyed. One of England's most important rules is about to be broken.

The door is flung open to reveal a tall, Scottish man with grey hair, eyebrows that are almost as prominent as England's furrowed in irritation. Next to him is a young woman with shoulder-length brown hair, grinning in amusement.

'Think this is funny, do you?' the man says, glaring at England.

England leans back in his seat, feeling a bit triumphant. 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Shut up! Yes you do!'

'Alright, guys. Play nice,' the young woman, Clara Oswald, says, clearly trying to hold in the laughter.

'Hold on a second- who are you?' Germany says, voicing the question inside the heads of every nation except England.

The old man points at England. 'His worst nightmare if he doesn't fix it.'

England is now openly showing his smugness. 'Don't you understand, Doctor? I _have_ fixed it.'

The Doctor waves his arms in frustration. 'You know what I mean! Turn it back to how it was!'

'In case you haven't noticed, I have done. Your Type 40 TARDIS should be working perfectly now.'

'Hang on- that's the Doctor?' America asks. 'The weird dude in the bowtie?'

If looks could kill, America would have been reduced to a smouldering pile of ash right there in the meeting room. The Doctor looks absolutely furious. ''Weird dude in the bowtie'?!'

England and Clara stifle their laughter carefully.

Most of the countries know who the Doctor is now. Up until recently, England had been the only one who actually knew him personally. Now most of them are aware that there is (as England puts it when he is forced to explain it) a strange, blundering idiot who is from some planet beginning with G (the other countries don't really know the specifics) and who travels through time in a weird London phone box from the 1960s (that part had to be proved to them, obviously).

America laughs, used to unfriendly personalities. At the end of the day, this angry old man is a lot like England. 'Dude, you've gotten old!'

'Don't be so stupid,' the Doctor dismisses. 'It's you lot that's all gotten older. Especially Clara.'

'Hey!' Clara exclaims. 'I'm right here,you know.'

'What seems to be the problem, exactly?' Japan asks good naturedly.

'England did some meddling in the TARDIS,' Clara snickers, earning a glare from her Time Lord companion.

'How is this funny? This is very not funny!'

'Bad English,' England chides.

'Shut it, Eyebrows!' the Doctor snaps. He's in no mood for lessons from England.

'Bit rich coming from you, isn't it?' Clara puts in, smiling like her birthday has come early.

England reaches over for his cup of tea and sips it calmly. 'You appear to be breaking one of my most important rules, Doctor. I've told you time and time again that you are _not_ allowed to barge into a World Meeting. Or meetings in general. I'm still annoyed about the House of Lords incident.'

'Not my fault that three of the MPs were Zygons,' the Doctor says moodily.

'Bloody hell...' England mutters, internally fuming at the memory.

'Anyway, there's a particular circuit inside the TARDIS that has been broken for a long time,' Clara continues. 'England fixed it.'

'You're welcome,' England says, smirking.

'I didn't want it to be fixed!' the Doctor yells.

'Perhaps you didn't know how to fix it.'

'Of course I did, so shut it! All that I would have had to do was to try hot wiring the fragment links and superseding the binary codes. But I liked it when the chameleon circuit was broken!'

'I'm rather lost 'ere,' France says. 'Could someone please tell me what it is Anglettere as managed to mess up on?'

'I haven't messed up anything, you bloody frog!' England retorts. 'The chameleon circuit allows the TARDIS to morph into something normal-looking so that it blends in with its surroundings, no matter where it lands. It's been broken for quite some time, ever since the Doctor landed it in London in the 1960s.'

'I like it as a phone box!' the Doctor says angrily.

Clara gives a quiet chuckle. 'You like it as a _snog_ box. And now it's even less appealing.'

England turns to her. 'This must be pretty priceless, then. Where is it and what does it look like?'

She's smiling happily. 'Near Trafalgar Square. It's a portaloo.'

England almost chokes on his next sip of tea. He's not usually one for bursting out laughing in front of the other nations but this situation is _too_ good.

'Let me get this straight: your time machine looks like a public toilet cubicle? And you left it in the middle of London without someone guarding it? You remembered to lock it, right?'

Realisation seems to be dawning on the Doctor's face, quickly morphing into horror.

America snickers. 'You're screwed, man.'

The Doctor races to the door, then freezes and turns slowly, fixing England with an icy look. 'This is not over.'

England gives a mocking smirk, a trait that appears every so often as a remnant of his pirate days. 'Quite right, Doctor. This is just beginning.'

* * *

'So, how long have these two actually been doing this prank war?' America asks inquisitively, watching Clara skip eagerly over to the oven to see how her soufflé has come along. The meeting is over and the American nation and a few others have decided to join Clara in the kitchen of building where the gathering took place. England followed the Doctor out the room a few minutes before (because apparently he had to see the new state of the TARDIS for himself). This has left Clara to discuss the situation with a few of the other nations who are genuinely interested.

'I wouldn't really call it a prank war, but it could easily become one,' Clara says, pulling the soufflé out the oven. 'England's probably been plotting revenge ever since the Doctor got married to Queen Elizabeth I.'

France, who is standing in the kitchen doorway, eyeing Clara as if he's seriously considering flirting with her (which he probably will attempt), laughs. 'I 'ad no idea that this 'appened.'

'I was there,' Clara states, looking a little downcast as she observes the state of her badly burnt soufflé. 'Believe me, England was livid. First he was angry about the Doctor fraternising with the queen in the first place, but he completely lost it when the marriage actually took place. He's always said that the Doctor corrupted Elizabeth.' She sighs absent-mindedly and carries the failed soufflé over to the bin, looked dejected. To her surprise, America swipes it from her hands and tries eating it. To even more of her surprise, he doesn't appear to be disgusted by what he's eating.

'You like it?' Clara says, looking shocked.

America shrugs and takes a big swallow. 'I'm used to Iggy's cooking.'

'Anything and everything tastes fine in comparison,' France adds, then continues silkily, 'and might I just add, a beautiful flower such as yourself couldn't possibly produce a meal that is in any way an abomination.'

'Is that so?' Clara asks, visibly unimpressed. 'You want to try some, then?'

France's smile falters when he catches sight of the blackened soufflé. 'Ah... I 'appen to 'ave already 'ad lunch today...'

Clara rolls her eyes and turns back to America. 'England's always irritated when Daleks or Cybermen or any other aliens try attacking London. And considering London gets invaded roughly three or four times a year, exclusively at Christmas in addition, England usually ends up in a foul mood with the Doctor for not stopping the aliens sooner. The Zygon MPs annoyed him so much that he decided to enchant the chameleon circuit so that it will stay permanently fixed and apparently only magic will be able to break it again.'

'How was the incident in Parliament the Doctor's fault, aru?' China asks.

Clara grins. 'The Doctor was chasing them. The way England sees it, the Doctor drove the Zygons into the House of Lords. Plus, the TARDIS materialised in the actual room while the MPs were in discussion.'

'That must have been stressful for England-san,' Japan murmurs, sighing in exasperation as America finishes wolfing down the soufflé. 'Covering a story like that would have been difficult.'

'England's used to it,' Clara says.

* * *

 _'Don't you_ dare _.'_

'Oh, it's quite simple, England,' the Doctor says triumphantly, practically skipping around the TARDIS, careful not to venture too far though in case he gets the phone chord wrapped around one of the console levers.

'I had an extremely drunk man stumble into the console room and urinate all over the railings,' the Doctor continues crossly. 'So it's only fair that I repay you for this.'

 _'It was only over the railings!'_ England protests. _'It's not like he damaged any of the circuits!'_

'Unlike you.'

 _'I_ fixed _it!'_

'Anyway,' the Doctor says loudly, wishing England were here right now to see his triumphant smirk. 'You have to admit, you deserve this one.'

 _'Please don't do this,'_ England says urgently, and the Doctor is surprised to hear that the nation is actually using a _begging_ tone. _'Please. You know how important it is to me.'_

'Here's a hint, England,' the Doctor says, grinning broadly. 'If you're going to try and beat someone at something, don't pick an opponent who has a time machine.'

 _'Please, Doctor! You can't do this!'_

Smiling, the Doctor sets in the time and coordinates for the TARDIS and goes ahead with his mission.

* * *

 **Please review! It would mean a lot!**

 **Thanks for reading, and bye!**


	2. Of Spoilers and Sorcery

**Thank you to everyone who has favourited, followed and reviewed this story! I already had chapter 2 pretty much finished when I posted _Chameleon Circuit,_ so I'm posting it nice and early!**

 **Allons-y!**

* * *

 **Two**

 **Of Spoilers and Sorcery**

'You're LYING! That can't be what happens, it just can't!'

'Would I lie?'

'You lie _all the time!_ It's one of your biggest features!'

'I think you're getting me confused with Clara.'

'Hey!'

The nations have all seated themselves down for the meeting of the second day when they look up to the sound of familiar voices on the other side of the big door again. England hasn't arrived yet and it's plain to see that he's spent the morning yelling at the Doctor.

The door flies open to reveal three people: England glaring at the Doctor, the Doctor smirking right back, and Clara standing in the middle, looking exasperated.

'You ruined _everything!'_ England shrieks, sounding a little hysterical.

'Oh shut up, it's just a TV show,' the Doctor says, brushing it off.

England's eyes widen. In an instant, he throws himself at the Doctor, arms reached out to start hitting the Time Lord. Clara quickly holds the country off before he can get to the other and America and Japan quickly leap up from their seats to help her.

'What happened now?' Germany says with a sigh.

'HE RUINED IT!' England screams. 'HE RUINED _SHERLOCK!'_

'Say what?' America says.

'HE SPOILT THE FOURTH SERIES FOR ME!'

France explodes with laughter. 'Well played, Doctor, well played! You truly do know Angleterre's weaknesses.'

'Dude? You know what happens?' America says excitedly. 'How did Moriarty do it?'

'It's not fair!' England sobs. 'That can't be right!'

'Oh come on, all I did was tell you the plot,' the Doctor says offhandedly. 'I could have done something much worse-'

'YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!' England genuinely looks close to actual tears. The Doctor almost feels a little sorry for what he did, but then he remembers having to disinfect the railings in the console room of the TARDIS, and the pity washes away.

England takes a deep breath and when he speaks next, his words are shaking with silent fury. 'You shouldn't have done that. I will have my revenge,' he vows.

'Well, you can certainly try,' the Doctor replies, equally determined.

* * *

As far as the other nations are concerned, the rest of the day and most of the next two days are uneventful. Once England has calmed down, he quietly takes his seat in between France and America and spends the majority of the meeting in silence, neither rising to the bait when France taunts him, or yelling at America when the younger nation comes up with another ridiculous idea to stop global warming. No, England sits in silence, clearly deep in thought. He pays no attention to those around him and doesn't even complain when Prussia runs in with a fire extinguisher and douses half the room in a white foam before racing out again, cackling madly.

The next day, England is surprisingly cheerful. He greets everyone with a high level of enthusiasm which is very abnormal of him, and is even fairly polite when speaking to France. America and Japan shoot each other knowing looks when this happens. The day before, England was obviously thinking of a way to retaliate to the Doctor's latest prank, and it's clear that he must have now come up with a suitable idea, or perhaps he's already executed the plan.

'You good now, dude?' America asks England.

'Hmm?' England asks, still smiling.

'I mean, have you calmed down and everything?'

'Yes.'

'Okay. Great. So, uh, are you cool with telling me how Moriarty faked it now? 'Cause seriously, the suspense is killing me.'

All America gets in reply is a vanished smile and an icy glare. Ouch. Probably shouldn't have brought up _Sherlock._

It's at the end of the next day when the Doctor finally shows up again. The other nations are just starting to believe that maybe nothing is going to happen, and that perhaps the prank war is over, but then the Time Lord suddenly appears as the meeting is drawing to a close.

The Doctor throws open the door with a face like thunder, which is emphasised greatly by those thick, unruly grey eyebrows and a slightly deranged look in his eyes. He's soaking wet and covered all manner of weird stains and random objects that appear to be clinging to him; lots of wires and cogs poking out of his clothes, a spatula sticking out of his collar and even what looks like a rat curled up in his grey hair, though the rat is green, has fins and is _definitely_ some kind of alien rodent from some distant planet.

There are a few bouts of laughter from around the room which are quickly silenced by the look of deep, unfathomable rage the Doctor sends at those guilty.

'Oh, hello, Doctor,' England says simply. 'So good of you to join us.'

'Shut. _Up,'_ the Doctor spits.

'You appear to have something on your head, old friend. Perhaps a mirror should suffice your needs? That way you can observe any other aspects of your appearance that might be... out of order.' England's eyes sparkle with amusement as his eyes fall on the stains and objects that cover the Time Lord.

The Doctor walks over to England with surprising speed. 'You _fix_ it. Right _now.'_

England raises his eyebrows. 'The chameleon circuit? I thought we'd already established that it _is_ now fixed-'

'It's not enough that you change the exterior of the TARDIS, but now you've decided to mess up the interior too?!' the Doctor growls.

'I dare say I've made it more interesting, if anything.'

'Two days,' the Doctor hisses. 'Two days I was trapped in the TARDIS. She wouldn't let me out. Her interior has changed completely and nothing I said or did could changer her mind! She wouldn't listen to me at all! She allowed me to be trapped and wouldn't show me the way out!'

'She?' China echoes.

'The TARDIS!'

'Your time machine, your problem,' England says indifferently.

'You did something to her! You rearranged the layout completely and the whole interior looks like the result of a nuclear war! Twice I fell from a trap door into the swimming pool, which, by the way, now resembles a swamp like the ones found on the planet Hagyan!'

'That explains the rat-fish,' America whispers to Japan.

'I ended up in an overgrown rainforest in what used to be the library!' the Doctor continues, scowling. 'And I kept getting thrown against walls and pushed to the ground by some invisible force-'

'Yes, I ordered Mr Gumdrops and a few other friends to oversee your charming experience,' England replies happily.

'Mr _what?'_ the Doctor interjects.

'My unicorn.'

The Doctor just stares at England. Words completely fail him.

'I'm sure they kept you occupied, creating false doors , reconstructing the layout and adding bits of nature here and there,' England says. 'It must have been pretty frustrating, trapped in your own ship.'

'You little... _Dalek._ How on Earth did you convince the TARDIS to betray me like that? She's always on my side! _Always.'_

England pushes his chair back and stands up so that he can meet the Doctor's gaze head on. 'You may have a time machine, but I have _magic_ ,' he announces meaningfully.

'You convinced a Gallifreyan Type 40 TARDIS, created by one of the most powerful races the universe has ever seen, to bend to your will just with a little _enchantment?'_ the Doctor says incredulously.

All England does in reply is smile smugly.

It's at this moment that the Doctor realises that he should never, ever, _ever_ underestimate England's powers.

* * *

'It can't have been that bad,' Clara says after the Doctor's explained everything. She tries very hard not to grin or laugh, which is proving difficult.

The Doctor pulls a lever on the TARDIS console down so forcefully that Clara is surprised it doesn't break. 'It was alright for you, Clara. You weren't stuck in here because you were too busy making gooey eyes at PE or whatever it is you do with him.'

'I told you, he's not a PE teacher, he's a maths teacher! And that's not the point!'

'England's in way over his head,' the Doctor says with a determined grimace. 'He's playing with fire.'

'Why don't you just make nice?' Clara says, exasperated. 'A nation over a thousand years old and a Time Lord over two thousand years old are acting like they're six. Just apologise to each other and call it even.'

'He ruined my TARDIS!'

'And you ruined _Sherlock_! Which, by the way, is definitely not fair- I mean, who knew that that John Watson would end up-'

'That was a _minor_ prank, and his reaction blew it completely out of proportion!' the Doctor protests.

Clara snorts with laughter. 'America was right- two old men with funny eyebrows waging a prank war is ridiculously funny-'

'Oh, ha ha ha, I can barely contain my laughter,' the Doctor says sourly.

'Don't strain yourself,' Clara says with a wink.

The Doctor folds his arms. 'Whose side are you on, Clara?'

Clara smirks. 'I'm a teacher; I don't chose sides when the kids start acting up. I put them in detention and ensure they've learnt their lesson.'

The Doctor clicks his finger. 'Well, that's what England's got coming to him. He's most certainly going to learn his lesson...'

* * *

 **Btw, if anyone has any ideas for pranks that could be included in this story, suggestions are welcome! Thanks for reading, and remember to review!**

 **Bye!**


End file.
